wait, i can do this.... sorry what was i supposed to do again?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

somewhat productive weekend....

Yes... believe it or not... its actually a productive weekend. friday nite i had dinner at green valley after ages i have not been there with my bintulu good friend sza2. then came back... watched some downloaded stuff... NOT PORN... who in the world watches that anyway? so back to my usual watching downloaded stuff... SCRUBS and FAMILY GUY... i was sitting alone in my dark room, strangely enough, i could turn on the lights if i wanted to, but that's how i actually really like it... dark... i dont really like it very dark though, id prefer it to be a lil bit dimmer, just sufficient for me to laze and not be wide awake.

so anyway, saturday morning, i woke up, got dressed, and went out for the community program i signed up for earlier this year. honestly, going there was... somewhat touching, sad, and inspiring at the same time. we were suppose to give a motivational program to sekolah rendah kids, and we had two schools that we adopted, which was SK Kg Jepak, and SK Tatau. initially i wanted Jepak more because its closer, but then... i honestly was quite thankful to be placed in the Tatau group.

It was about 45-60 minutes Bus ride there... and as i stepped in... i saw kids running around, like usual, i was thinkin to myself... sekolah rendah teacher are usually not around. if i was a kid in that class, id probably be reading my gamebook (yes, i have been reading since i was a boy), drawing some oddball cartoon from my fantasy, strangely enough ive always been fascinated by death, skulls, demons figures when i was a kid. weird, but yeap... ive always gotten A-Bs in art classes.

anyway, I was told in the past that SK Tatau was part boarding school. I was actually amazed for parents to send their kids at such a young age to boarding school. I was expecting the boarding school would start for kids at primary 4, they're not too small... and probably has much more sense in surviving. As i was a little worried entering the primary 4 class, i see numerous sets of eyes just watching me smiling, whispering, fingering their nostrils and what not. it seemed okay.

So the facis, started with the program of getting the kids to draw their own faces, and pass it back to us. strangely enough, every girl had the same image of how their faces would look like. weird... but funny. they kept looking at each other, and some of them kept looking at me, wondering how'd their face would look like. i kept telling them 'Kids, muka kamu tuh sik da di muka kawan...' and they giggled. kinda made me smiled. although one kid was fairly annoying, i just smiled, coz they're just being kids....

the pics of the ladies... notice how their pics all look alike? hahaha. with eyelashes and split hairs... hehehe...

and not to forget the little boys... with puppy dog tails and snails....

we then shuffled the pics, and passed it around, and asked them to look for the owner of the pics. we gave them question they need to ask their friends

1) Nama Penuh (full name)
2) Tarikh Lahir (date of birth)
3) Cita2 (Ambition)
4) Hobi (hobby)
5) Pekerjaan Ibu Bapa (parents' occupation)
6) Jumlah Adik Beradik (total number of siblings)

then i asked them what else would they like them to ask their friends. Everyone shouted out almost the same thing, and made me smile so big inside, as i know i was like that as a kid as well in SK Tanjung Aru. So this is their list

7) Makanan Kegemaran (favorite food)
8) Minuman Kegemaran (favorite drink)
9) Artis Pujaan (Celebrity Idol)

So then we assigned them to look for the info, and turned on some music at the same time. the musics they listen to are very Malaysian mainstream, although i really dont like it, but the kids love it... so i just forced myself to listen to it. hehehe. it was that bloody annoying romanian song who, btw, if i could find the creator of the song, id buy a ticket to romania, take two buses and one cab to his place, ring his doorbell, and as he opens the door and say 'Aluu', id smack him in the face with a brick and say 'NOOOOT FUNNYYY!!'. completely worth. okay that was sidetracked. haha.

so after that, we asked the kids to come up front, introducing their friend. two things i learned that time...

1) these kids sure like ayam goreng (fried chicken) A LOT. im sooo weirded out by it. it was either ayam goreng or K.EP.C (KFC).

2) no wonder that Mawi won AF... his practicall on every kid's list of artist pujaan. im like... okayyyyyy. 'the one who should NOT be named' definitely won that AF thingy from kids from this sort of area as he probably relates to them no matter how much i DONT think he's good... AT ALL. but... kids love him... soo... 'belia benci dadah!'

after that, i met the teachers during break. i asked did the boarding school start for primary 4? i got the most shocking question, and just really took my heart, made me breathless, and amazed. they were sent by their families since primary 1. can you imagine? we watch in TVs that primary one kids are struggling their ass off even being dropped off by the parents on the first day!!

The main reason for this was the kids were from deepdown in the heart of bintulu, where its really hard to reach or in other words... pedalaman or ulu. since that is the school that's closest, they are sent to the school to be independent... at the age of 7.... believe it or not. the teacher told me 'saya kesian lihat kanak2 ni... sangat kecil, masih tidak tau untuk menguruskan diri, sudah dihantar ke asrama'. yes... i was chokin inside. i was homesick when i was form 1. how embarassing was that? the kids were sent there, without a lot of stuff on their back, and washed their OWN clothes, NO laundry. at that age. NO irons. they go to school without their shirts being ironed. the teacher told me that usually the first two days of the week, the kids would hve nice clean clothes, but by wednesday til friday, they'd get really dirty, since some of them cant afford too much clothes, heck plus... they're just kids. who washes their clothes but themselves anyway kan?

some kids are lucky, they have siblings in the same school. there's one set of 4 siblings in the school, and the big sister would help their small siblings in primary 1 clean their shirts, cheer them up, take care of them at the same time. yes... in my high school, seniors are only concerned in bullying the juniors and give them the annoyance of their lives. different generations, different schools, different time. amazing.

i couldnt help thinking about this the rest of the day, as i looked at them hum, and laugh doing the assignment we gave them right after. although they had weak capability in english, i just tried my best in giving them the confidence they need. towards the end of the day... i only got to give them my mentos as i wasnt prepared at all for the situation. maybe next time, id buy my own choclates, and share it with them. they need more smiles and know that people around them care about them so much. i cant imagine, if some of these kids DO eventually succeed, and study in good schools, and go to universities, regardless where, and be someone successful later in the future... they REALLY do have story to tell. strong individuals they are... probably even stronger than i am.

which kinda got me thinking... that's one thing i learn being in bintulu... seeing those who are unfortunate than i am... BUT has such a BIG heart, calibre, and strength, that they would survive it such hardships... and still put that smile in their face... thanking every moment, having family, having friends around, or maybe just even the stuff on their back. i may not have family, and not a lot of friends here... but i have the stuff on my back. and mainly my laptop, my hard disk, my ipod, my songs... myself....

yes... i must say... bintulu does have a silver lining. thanks to my newly acquired friend. no matter how shitty things get... try to be positive... no matter how it kills myself inside. i hate optimistic indiviual... only because... they're rite... and i dont have their strength. i should try harvest that. mainly because... these little dirty kids, who smile, and are so far away from the world, and the PM probably doesnt even know of their existence, had given me that view... and heart of being... alive... my days may be sucky... i may not like my job... but fuck it... i'll just do it. i cant wait for my next visit there.

alhamdulillah... im still breathing.......

Kids drawing their pics....

kids struggling in thinkin what their faces actually look like....

papa's got a brand new bag....

me giving instructions....

preparing presentations....

berebut kot....

before you guys so 'aawwwwww'... this is actually MY drawing... a gift for them... hehehe... not that cute huh coming from a grown up? =P

kids of Tatau primary school....

aaaand a short presentation by... the kids of tatau... 'Apa yang saya mahu capai di sekolah'

Monday, April 17, 2006

black monday.....

so... i just updated my blog last nite... like usual... mondays are not friendly to me. i seriously think my SM holds some grudge on me. i say fuck it. i know im right this time. plus... i hate what i do... but im doing it anyway... althouh i swear everytime i have the chance... which is probably like every hour.

anyway... trying to get my mind off... thanks to my atiee sweetie... ive been tagged. so it should be like answering my question based on my playlist of songs currently i think. i have two different playlists, one on my laptop, one on my ipod shuffle... so... hmmm... i'll go with my shuffle i think. btw... the key in this thing is... you have to put your playlist on SHUFFLE!!!

1) How does the world see me?
Dani California by RHCP - maybe because I'm like a surfer boy in california? surfer dude? hmmm.. maybe because im dat 'DUUUUDE' part of a community. hope that's not annoying. heheh. duuude.

2) Will I have a happy life?
Makin Aku Cinta by Anang and Kris Dayanti - i'll probably be more in love every single day with life after ive been here in bintulu? im starting to appreciate life in other places more hence im happier? hahaha. does not sound rite.Or just maybe im just going to sing this duet with my future wife.

3) What do people really think of me?
The Best of You by Foo Fighters - they see something great in me?? but i dont? something like that? hmmm.... wow... something to think about here... ppl around me are trying to help me... hmmm

4) Do people secretly lust after me?
Wake up by Rage againt the machine - HAHAHA. either ppl think i should wake up and stop dreaming about ppl lusting over me... or ppl should stop lusting over me... coz im so unattainable. hahahaha.

5) How can I make myself happy? (i sure need an answer for this one)
Let me love you by Mario - errmm... i need ppl to love me? maybe... maybe so... or more women to love me... yupp definitely the latter one... by this time i should refer to the 4th question again. hehehe.

6) What should I do with my life?
Photographs by Nickelback - ermm... take more photographs of my life? or maybe i need a better perception of my life. or i probably need to be a professional photographer.

7) What would be good advice for me?
Ne Me Quitte Pas (Dont leave me) french song by nina simone - no one should leave me dangling alone here in bintulu? or just please dont leave me here without my friends.

8) What do I think my current theme song is?
About a boy by Badly drawn boy - hahaha... i dont think it should be about a boy... it should be about a DUDE...

9) What does everyone think my current theme song is?
Broken by Seether - you can say that again.....

10) What song will play at my funeral?(gee i wonder what)
Far Away by Nickelback - ahahaha... you can say THAT again... really far away... like 7 feet underground far away. heheh.

11) What type of women do you like? (i was about to answer to what kind of MEN i like. dammit atiee... tried to trap me there hehehe)
Kekasih Khayalan by Ello - i need my dream girl... heh....h

12) What's my day going to be like?
Elsewhere by Sarah Mclachlan - this is damn true... its my day already... and all i want to be... is elsewhere from bintulu. and my heart is not into my work... its elsewhere. im here... my friends are all elsewhere.... yeaps... good one.

13) Why am I here? (oh shit... this should amuse me)
Virtual insanity by Jamiroquai - in the words of JayKay, its a crazy world we're living in....

14) What will people remember me for?
Diamonds are forever by Kanye West - yupp... im a girl... shower me with diamonds please.... spoil me... uuuuu. wtf sial. hahaha.

15) Are there people outside waiting to take me away?
Goodbye my lover by james blunt - wow... its a song for his dead gf if im not mistaken. whoa... not reassuring. hahaha.

16) What will this year be about?
Ghosts of you by MCR - it'll probably be about me remembering my past... or heck... this could probably mean i have a really sad year. damn it.

hahahaha... atiee... made me more depressed!! =P! just kidding. hahahah. maybe because most of the songs i listen to are just really depressin songs. it made me laugh atiee. so no worries. so whom should i tag this to? faidz is taken... sooo... okay...

Lili - i dont even know if you blog. hahaha. but i'll just give it a shot luv. miss ya.
Fera - missing you lots dear... i know you'd like this.
Abe - si sayur nih tak blog langsung. ko buat laa dalam bertulis ke aper and antar kat aku. tak pun... ko bleh start buat blog.
Sza-Sza - my bintulu friend who rarely gets online and probably dont have a blog. and probably dont even read this
Nyza - new friend who i dont know if you're reading this and if you have a blog.

rock on.... be honest now.... heehee

Friday, April 14, 2006

she went away....

i didnt know what happened. we were so happy together. her baby doll face... her smiles. i remember how she used to smile at just makes people around her transfixed. her smooth walk, soft voice just makes ppl around her transfixed. laki ke, pompuan ke... they still end up shocked, and be in love with her. her face... oh dear god... her face. tak tau aper jadik. i should've expected it... she dated a guy with a saxophone la, a guy who was a music teacher la. bongok giler laa aku. apsal aku percaya sangat cakap dier. all her writings to me... bluweergghh. but i cant help it. she was so beautiful... so gorgeous. you long silky black shiny hair waving around as you move gracefully and meeting unfamiliar faces... you'd still make ppl comfortable. i remember how you wore that red dress in that nice park, walking down the grassy area... and just sweep me off my feet with that look. i havent even started with the way she sings... oh dear god... yes... her voice... her beautiful hypnotizing voice. why my love... why did you have to go away? so what? all those 'aku cinta padamu', 'cinta ku hanya di atas kertas' was all BULLSHIT?? heh. damn it girl. you really got me there. you're going away for another man. is it because the guy is much loaded than i am? that's sad. sure... go ahead. i cant do anything anymore. pergilah kau... Siti Nurhaliza... harapnyer... Datuk K, would take good care of you... you had me at hello... at.... hello.....

heheheheh. come on guys... nevermind... siti is a lost case now.... but i know i have lili... :). love ya sweetie....

needed that stupid joke in my life. its a holiday... and i dont know what to do in bintulu. miss my friends...

during my last two days in kk... before i went back to bintulu... i never felt so horrible in my life. honestly... im not looking forward to work.that's not right. i was literally hoping the plane would crash, but no one would die on the way, but instead got stuck in an island. and id take that chance to run away from everyone, and migrate somewhere alone... and pop back into life a year later. seriously... rite now im doing something about it. please oh god... help me with my life now. please....

thanks lili sweetie, ferr, faidz for being great buds... and gave me the support i needed.you guys called me up at the best time. thanks. really..... i pray to see you guys very soon....

Sunday, April 09, 2006

when it happens... it happens....

sorry i havent been online or updating my blog for a while. the day right after my last blog... somehow... weirdly enough.... it was a monday that i didnt feel so good about. didnt know why... towards the end of the night... when i got a phone call from my mom that my grandma is getting cold. that was around 9. at 10 i called my mom... my mom was on the way already to see my gramma. right after that... i called my aunt who lives with her... only to find out that... my beloved gramma has already passed. the gramma who has so much concern for me growing up. i knew before my mom even did. i called her up... and told her... only to find out right after... she was crying so bad. felt so guilty. things didnt go right the whole time i dont know why. i got the first flight to kk at 8am... so i was actually able to see her before she was buried. supposedly... then my flight was cancelled. had to take the 10am flight. only to reach the airport knowing on the phone that they're done with the tahlil pun. i just broke down then and there. i dont even care what you think. i miss her so much. you know... you just never had that feeling that you'd actually be reading yassin to the person very dear to you... and pouring water and flowers on her resting bed. never knew it would happen... till that day on.

ive always prayed hoping that id be by her side when she goes... but things didnt work out. maybe He has some other plans along the way. maybe. it was just really really sad. sad moment.

strangely enough though, death brings a meeting of a group of ppl that has already even lost contact or that you have met for a while. isnt it weird. the nice thing was i get to spend time with my nephew and nieces, and just sit down and watch my big family re connecting in a different way. strange... but true. sorry guys for not being able to come to kl, sorry for not being able to finish up some events in bintulu... sometimes things just happen that's out of our control.

i miss the ppl i love around me so much right now.... my family, lili, abe, faidz, fera, todi, mary... just miss chillin and relaxing... and just.... watch as our life pass by... but seeing it will always be worth it... with you guys around..... miss ya guys.....