wait, i can do this.... sorry what was i supposed to do again?

Sunday, February 27, 2005


not trying to be sappy... but what is it? is it really a feeling? or is it just some bullshit theory people has to come up with just to make them feel good for themselves. is it just an under defined word, with the rest of it is up to you to explain? or is it an overrated word that people just expect waty to much from it? its great to be in love but at the same time it sucks to be in it. sometimes its like poison that creeps in up to you and just sucks the life out of you bit by bit. sometimes its like a mana potion that revives you each time that you're weakened by the everyday monster called homework, professor, bad mood friends of the day, exams and so forth.

some people look for it for the rest of their lives and can never find it. sometimes they think they did, but it was actually something they want so badly, that they deny that it is. sometimes people dont go look for it at all... and that thing just comes in stumbling down. i remember a prof of mine once told me... you dont go looking for someone you love... go to someone who loves you. i dont know how far the truth goes... but probably in that case, i'd be waiting and praying for such a while for that.

is love a sufficient thing to hurt yourself for? to do something so stupid just to get over it? should you do those things you've never imagined doing until you've got hurt? should you try to get over it by having a rebound for fun? should you cry over it over and over again until your tears turns to blood and blinds you forever? probably no. been there... and to my opinion myself... no. your life is way too precious. thought about it... done some... not worth it... but sometimes it does make you feel good. for a bit though that's it.

is it something worth waiting for no matter what happens? worth waiting for while looking at him or her go out with another and just wait and pray until He brings them to you. is it something worth fighting for? worth fighthing for like bridget jones' diary when mike darcy found out hugh grant was shacking his ex wife and bridget herself that he loves? is it something worth waiting for? if you want it so badly, so much, no matter how the pain it is, yes... you'd wait. and with such a long wait, much anticipation, and praying... yes... you'd get it, and you'll be like a giddy little kid opening their biggest bday present and slowly unwrapping the gift thanking Him for all the patience and pain you've endured.

i've known people who wait for such a long time, endured so much, and now lives happily with four kids nice house and a great job. i've known people who went through the pain and then in turn, got something else, another, and said... "back than i thought that was love... now its... whoa... more than i could imagine".

So what powers does this "L" thing has? so divine that it makes you alive? so divine that it is the only thing you have and keeps you going in certain wretched places? Or such powers to make you do things you'd never thought you'd do? some of it is so not worth it, that it only makes people aroud you worry about you. some of it is just slightly good enough to make you happy for a short period.

in other words... the "L" word is probably up to you to decide. and hopefully decide the best for you and dont waste it away. as painfully it is... my opinion... waiting and praying... is probably the best thing we could do.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Big Red Freakout....

the Big Red is known around RPI as one of the highlight annual hockey event since i dont know when. usually when a Big Red happens, it happens on the annual alumni gathering or sumthing. it's an ice hockey match. so far, i think RPI only lost once in a big red. some say we never lost, but you could actually go to the union dekat frontdesk, and see the big red freakouts records. we lost once IF i'm not mistaken. usually during the freakout, our opponents would be the rivals.. Clarkson. Sometimes, its not so rival... Brown.

It was my first big red freakout game, although i got pretty bad seats, but it was pretty close to the goal. and i must say, they put on quit a show. shouting everytime when the commentator says "Penalty for Brown 10" and the whole RPI replies "SUCKS!!" just makes it the crowd hype. then we would shout Brownie sucks a couple of times. And i dont know why, but some part of me feels sooo guilty to phatma. hahaha. sorry phatma. anyway... Brown leads in the 2nd Quarter 2-1 and the suspense was building. during half time... something happened that i have never thought that i would see it before i graduate. this woman got to go to half time to hit the puck into the goal... if it's the first time, she'll win a VERY nice convertible honda. she missed the first two. the third one was if she wins, the commentator went this way "IF SHE WINS, SHE WOULD GET A DINNER FOR TWO IN..." bla bla restaurant that i dont even know what was the name. and she got it. everyone soared. her boyfriend was there on the ice at the same time as well. the crowd soared, and suddenly this commentator said "Also, we have a word or two from you boyfriend", and suddenly her boyfriend bent on one knee, and proposed. the crowd just went wild. Its sweet... i like it because i've seen it only for the first time. so probably if i see a second time i'd say pretty corny. Can't imagine if she suddenly says NO in the public. hahaha. that'd be awesome.

Anyway, back to the game, the third period promises the tie goal around the last 10 mins if i'm not mistaken from RPI. The suspense was building that it burns my lungs off jumping up and down everytime Brownies attack. If this game gets a tie, it'll really suck because RPI never tied, and only lost like once a blue moon. if that happens i'd be a big spoiler. heh. anyway... it was the last minute of the match..."CLARKSON STILL SUCKS", and RPI somehow got their groove back and began bashing Brownies againts the glass, throwing them off guard, swinging their sticks like there's no tomorrow, trying to score each and every time they can. then 20 seconds left, Brown got the puck, attacking RPI to the max hoping to embarass RPI on their home game on the biggest night of the year for them. great save by the goalie and then the puck stop for on 16 seconds for a minute. probably time out. then the game started, RPI no 12 i think (wasnt really paying attention it was such a hype) got the puck, went screaming down to Browns goal with their wing coming down close behind trying to trip him with the stick, and RPI flip the puck, everything seemed in slow mo, pushed it up with the created momentum with added swing.... Brownie Goalie flipped up his hand... then.... HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!! the horn screamed... RPI scored on 8.7 seconds!!!!!!! with a 99% win 3-2. DAMN!! THE GAME WAS PHENOMENAL!! the crowd went wild, screams, flags waving, men in painted body came running down the mirror and bashing it with a roar.... screaming out RPI's pride. damn... that was KICK ASS. a worth it game i must say. WORTH IT. sorry phatma... RPI kalahkan Brown. :P.


friends... they make up roughly almost more than 80% in every person's living life. (hey, its a bullshit statistic... just to show that coming up with god knows statistic "could" make a writing seem cool. haha). Your friends would be composed with many personalities, many traits... some you may dislike and some may really click with you. they are there to entertain you when you're bored, someone to talk to when everything seems sucky, and there just because they are your friend. but most of all, what makes a friend... a true friend.... TRUST. everything is composed of trust. what you tell your trusting friend, must never be leaked to your friend's trusting friend, because then your friend's trusting friend would leak out to their trusting friend, then be leaked out to their trusting friend which will then eventually be the trusting friend of the whole world. no matter what the circumstances are, obvious, personal, discreet, questionable, a trusting friend would say to people with questions "hmm i dont know... try asking my trusting friend yourself". if it does happen... where's the friendship in that? if it happened to me, i'm sure like the rest of you, you would feel actually disrespected, feel of disappointment, or as silat says, menepuk minyak di tatang, terpercik di muka sendiri.

However... sometimes, mistakes does happen, hopefully it never EVER happens again. hopefully. that's what a trusting friend of the "accidentally" leaked trusting friend would think about most of the time. sorry is everything, i've read once, friends make mistake you write it down on sand their mistake, and if they help you up whenever or whatever trouble hits you, you carve it in stone. why, because mistakes could usually be forgiven, and forgetten and in my case usually (lesson to filter all my stories), and carve it in stone to remember it forever. trust, respect, honesty is what i think friendship is all about.


yes... bengang is what everyone usually feels... discomfort of certain indivudual's doing. sometimes the discomfort involves you, sometimes it doesnt. strangely, some people still feel discomfort with shit that's not even related to them. strange. another thing strange is, i know almost always everyone does it, they'd probably pray 5 times a day, read the quran, and bla bla.... but something that's never missing is talking shit about someone behind their back. BULLSHIT if anyone says they've never done it before. i've done it. so many times. frankly, i know i could burn in hell for doing that. but i kept doing it. why? kurang pegangan, kurang pedoman, ntah la. but its just not the way. i know. main reason why? i think mostly because you'd talk shit about them... "si anu nih kencing dlm seluar"... it could actually happen to you anytime in the future. could be right after you say it, or could be way way beyond, or could've happen in the past, which if these people say it... then they must be so fuckingly bloody ignorant. the chances of same thing happening to you when you talk about others are usually high. i dont know why, but it does. maybe its a way of Him saying to you, what goes around, comes around. cakap kat org lain boyfriend dier loser ke aper ntah.... kuar dgn pompuan lain... tup tup dier plak buat... org cakap awek dier nih whore laaa asyik flirt jekk dgn laki lain... tup tup mamat tuh pun gatal jugak. another amazing thing is... org yg mengutuk, but does not realize that the thing is actually happening to them as well. AMAZING. that thing is happenning to them at that time, at that moment, while they are talking about them. AMAZING. dalam sumer category aku cakap tadik, (akan jadi, jadi masa tuh gak right after cakap, or in the past) nih laa paling gajah gemuk terbalik tonggang (ferr, i pinjam you punya terbalik tonggang punya melatah) bloody ignorant!! serious. it does NOT hurt to open your eyes, and see, that it is also happening to YOU. does not hurt.

sometimes, i'm afraid, that talking shit about other people behind their backs, will just actually result you of having unhappy life, unhappy future... lonely. i've already felt some of it... i would want to say i care, but the fact is, i brought it to myself, my fault, and i respect myself for knowing that. remember... same shit could happen to you.... same shit... akan datang, sekarang jugak, or has happen (maybe forgotten), or yg paling bloody ignorant terbalik tonggang... right now is currently happening to you. what have we become. maybe its true... the sun will rise in the west soon.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Looking for a full time position....

Strange, just four years ago we were freshies, just still learning how to walk, how to live on campus. Now all that are just mere memories, and everyone seems to be fairly occupied updating their resumes, sharpening up their people skills, reading through career development center for job opportunities. I, myself am getting really swamped, with the career fair tomorrow, the mock interview this week, and Petronas interview coming right after in a month. The thought of stepping on the grounds of real world just makes me sad most of the times. no more games, no more play, no more fun.

I remember i had such strong affinity to work here in the US, and then come back to Malaysia to continue my obligation as a Petronas scholar. Now... its an issue that i cant seem to be sure of anymore. one of the biggest ambiguities i've ever faced and thought of.

Let's talk about benefits of working here, overseas. Wow, once you work here, and go back, people would look up to you, with you pelat english yo-yo. the possibilities of you going up faster than anyone else is wider. the technology and knowledge you bring back from overseas can never be better (is IT?). The life is somewhat lenient, you watch updated uncensored movies, you eat steaks instead of nasi lemak, you get to hang out with your white friends that seem to know almost everything, you get your 4 seasons instead of one rainy and one suffocating, people here are more educated, (as you can see i'm just throwing shit here), strip clubs are available after a hard day's work, and man, money talks. amazing isnt it?

But then, if you think about it, that's not everything. the fact that we struggled our ass off to get the scholarships to take us where we are now, we then have the guts to think that they probably cannot offer what we actually really want. obviously, working in petronas the probability of going up the ladder has a higher slope and takes way much more time. the fact that you'd probably burden your guarantor (i dont know how to spell the word) if you breach contract kills them because they had so much trust in you, (unless some back door is offered). the guarantors are also usually really close family, or family friend, that if any court involved, the relationship would probably start to deteriorate as well as their respect for you.

Not only that, quoting from my friend todi, no matter how you fit in the community of that particular country, you're still considered as an outsider. true? Plus... i dont know... it's just not... LIFE.

I want to work where i can LIVE. live as a person. where i hang out with my friends at night at a stall for tea or coffee. wake up on the weekend and decide if i would want roti canai or nasi lemak panas. Friends in overseas, aren't FRIENDS that i have. friends that you tell secrets to without being spilled. friends whod back you up when trouble is brewing, friends who'd take care of you if you suddenly end up without a home for a while, friends who'd listen and keep promises. something that i have rarely seen here.

I want to LIVE where families are there, Hari Raya you'd not be getting up late, and wear jeans or winter jacket during semayang Raya. LIVE where you know its not difficult. you could navigate through area easily, talk your way out of something without sweating, have normal easy conversations with pakcik2 kampung in cabs, no one smells like weed everywhere. Where you know, if your kids lived there, they'd be happy.

Work where if you misunderstand something, you'd still could whisper with your friends "aper dier ngarut tadik? story sket kat aku bleh?". Work where you drive back home with the beach on your side, fresh smell of the ocean, and knowing that you dont have to scrape ICE on your windshield. You're not an outsider, and most of all... its home. no matter which part of Malaysia you're in. it's still home. that's why i rarely get homesick when i'm in Malaysia. it's still home. it's still culture. it's great.

So... where do i want to work? I DONT KNOW.....