thinking.....

I just got back from my beloved town... kota kinabalu last nite. it was a 3 day stay with 2 nights in one of the coolest hotel ive ever been to. le meridien... plasma TV in each room WITH a dvd player. i had a course for this community service that i signed up for, which is going to chosen schools (mainly kampung schools), and try to help them, motivate them to be better individuals in the future. all in all... it was an AWESOME course. we laughed, we played games, we sang this rap song called 'i'm a beaver'. and the song just got stuck into my head for the rest of the stay, even rite now. yes it was fun.

another cool thing was that... i was able to bring my friends around kk. although time was precious, but i took them from one end to the other, went to shennanigans, and i really thought ive lost my legs in there. seriously, its the best band ive been to so far. second comes in the band that plays in hardrock. and this is the cool one... the band that's playing in shennanigans, Amplified Rescue Team (ART), will be playing in Hardrock KL this JUNE!! i recommend everyone to go see it! it was an awesome feeling to know that the band recognize me and lili, and just talked to them and all. hahaha. ive never felt cooler. im definitely going to see them in june. hopefully the plant's turnaround wont block me or anything.

but the biggest impact of me going to kk this time, was more emotional. for all my stay there, i went to see my beloved nenek. she's been on her bed for like 6-7 years now. couldn't stand up and completely lost her left side ability. slowly, within those 7 years... her memories of little things fade, leaving only the ones that she dears the most... and that's not even all the time. somehow, everytime i come back, she'd recognize me as ive always been visiting her when i was a kid. but then, when i came back this time, about 3-4 weeks ago, she's lost her ability to speak, and even now, i have to whisper into her ear. during my stay there, from the first day she didnt seem to say anything to me. things she says always has been a mumble, and it was very difficult for me to understand. she didnt seem to recognize me, and only gave me a nice pat on the shoulders... until my last day there.

i went to see her early in the morning around 730 pm after i paid my respects at my arwah uncles and datuk. my aunt was still asleep, and the my nenek's caretaker just finished giving my nenek a bath. then i went to my nenek, hugged her, and whisper assalammualaikum... she just gave me a pat... no answer. then, like always, i whispered into her ear again, and told her 'nek, irfan nih, anak si ratna...' she patted again.... then suddenly she was mumbling, then she took a deep breath... and let out the first 2 very clear words that ive heard since i was there... 'Cucu ku... Cucu ku...' and tearing up at the same time... and guess what... i dont even care what ppl think... i cried. yes... a grown man. everytime i see her after not seeing her a while, she'd almost always touches my heart just knowng the fact that she'd remember me. then it was a short 4 - 5 mins conversation. i told her i just got back from kubur, and she said 'syukur la alhamdulillah'. then i apologized to her for not being there all the time as i was studying in KL, US, and now working in bintulu. then she said 'ndak apalah irfan... carik makan'. she smiled. i broke down. then i told her im now working in sarawak, then she said 'kawin sama orang sarawak la kau nih...' she smiled. i only laughed, 'and said i 'lambat2 lagi nek, kumpul duit dulu'.... then she smiled, 'bila mau kawin? tambah laa cicit nenek nnt'... and she laughed, with me sobbing, she still managed to crack a smile on my face... and i love her for that. there were some more, and then i whispered to her... 'nenek, mau dengar Al-fatihah?' and she nodded slightly... then i whispered her the Al-fatihah... tearing up... but held it in my best as i wanted to have a clear tajwid. then i kissed her forehead. and my last whisper to her was... 'nek... kalau ndak sempat nek... irfan mau minta maaf dulu nek. minta maaf untuk semua kesalahan jika ada. terima kasih byk2 la untuk semua nek. irfan sayang nenek.' at that time... she was just quiet, and patting me on the shoulders. i kissed her hands so many times, then kissed her once on the forehead, and on the cheek. even though she's 96 this year, she still has a nice soft skin. but... when its time... its time. then i stood up... looked behind, and saw her abled hand, rise up from the bad, and waved a goodbye... i dont even know if its going to be the last. and i left....

i remember, before i went to the states, i prayed to Allah, that He wont take away my nenek before i come back from the states... and now, im thinkin of praying to Him not to take her away while im working... and take her away while im by her side, holding her hand. but am i being selfish? i dont know... sometimes, i heard from my aunt, my nenek has already been talking to herself, saying 'tunggu mawar, ndak lama lagi, datang la aku.' and mawar is her little sister who passed away last year. and her smiling, while looking up, and when asked she'd say its my arwah grandfather, waiting for her to join him soon. i dont know anymore. all i know, i pray the best for her, i pray that Allah takes her peacefully, and let her be around those who are in iman. i wish i'd be there do when its time. but then... when its time... its time.

id always remember when she taught me to read the quran on sundays, and make me pisang goreng and her hot milked milo for me. even though i dont drink milked milo, for her, as long as she's happy to know im here for her... i dont mind. the times ive always smiled when i kiss her hand when she was still walking, and seemed smaller everytime i come and see her after a while. the time she had that argument with my mom for making me study in Alam Shah, or last hari raya when i told her, she's still the most beautiful woman in the family... she'd laugh. id remember the best i can about my dearest nenek... and thank her for all the good things she showed me, and be the most patient person no matter what happens. thank you... and i love you... my nenek.........