Bodoh

apakah aku bodoh?
di tengah laut menjadi tambatan,
menunggu bersandirian,
di tenggelami kegelapan,
membuat bodoh yang aku bukan saorang....
mungkin....

APAKAH aku bodoh?
duduk bersaorangan mengharapkan kasih sayang,
hanya mendapat cemuhan,
dipanah tembus tanpa menjadi pantang,
berfikir tapi tidak melaksanakan....
mungkin....

APAKAH AKU bodoh?
terdampar menggigil kesejukan,
sambil mata putih ku timbul terang,
hanya menunggu bantuan ikhlas dalam pelukan,
menggelatar tanpa berfikir panjang....
mungkin....

APAKAH AKU BODOH?
MUNGKIN....

by Mohd Irfan Mahmud
10.53 am Eastern time....

Secrets...

Some people think they know me well... in fact... i somehow am ver surprised how i'm different compared to last time. i may not show it... but there's more to me than what everything seems. this is probably what each man goes through at one point of their life. however... i think too much... right now, what i know is everything... but i know what i know is not everything. lies. everyday i live a lie. in denial... in depression. but it is what i choose... and what keeps me standing. as much as i hate to admit it... this is what i want... for now and would do anything not to change it for a while.

Troy Pub...

I went to a department xmas party at the Troy pub. I must say its my first experience being in a real pub. funny. heh. everyone was drinking... and i was drinking LEMONADE real one... for only 1.25, and during happy hour, others pay for their beer, i dont pay for my lemonade. my friend ended up drunk, and started asking weird questions why dont i drink. malas sungguh nak jawab. anyway... ended up being my first sober driver experience. haha. well... rasberry and cherry is all i can say.

Condemned....

These insecurities....
This lie....
These depths of darkness....

Drowning away all the possibilities....
Not fighting and just willing to die....
Leaving nothing but insecurities....

Why must we lie?
All needed is the truth to make us smile...
it is not something we could just pass by...
and just keep it till we die....
Why?

Tired....

I dont think I should complain... everyone is facing the same exact mood during last week of class and finals as well. Its normal. But instead of counting the number of shitty days i'll have, i'm counting down the hopefully kick ass days for my holidays. These times its best not stay alone in the room before you really go crack, and have a friend or two you could at least chill when you need to let off some steam.

Snow....

I know it snowed once for this winter season already, but i refuse to call that snow because it was just gone the next day. this right now, IS snow. relaxing, refreshing thick. well, at least it refreshing and relaxing for a couple of days, until the snow turn icky, yucky and black.

Capoeira... boa... Jen BOA....

heheh... nawaal jek paham. I've got a new hot friend who is not stuck up, and digs asian. too bad its my last year here....

Thoughts....

Di saat waktu berhenti... Kosong....
Dimensi membutakan mata, memekakkan telinga....
Lalu diri menjadi hampa....
Saat paradigma dunia tak lagi di gunakan utk menerka....
Sadarku akan hadir mu mematahkan sendi-sendi yang biasa tegak berdiri....

Sometimes we feel ignored... maybe we just are....
but probably we're just in denial putting the truth away so far....
Oblivious to the voices the winds carry... caring less of what they say....
alone is probably what our future holds... if we live in this lie we say "my life" day by day....

I'm sooooooo Lost right now....

Reality Bites....

Before i get busy with my finals and shit, i felt like writing. let's see how long it goes. I was working last night driving down with my newly written CD, and one of the songs were by Blind Melon, No Rain. Suddenly it struck me... this song will soon be considered as an oldie. Wouldn't it be weird, one day, as you're sitting down in your car, driving off to work after dropping your 2nd kid off at school and thinking about your eldest kid at boarding school, when suddenly Hitz.FM played Nirvana "Where did you sleep last nite" and continuing with Usher "My Boo" later on with the DJ of the segment introducing it as "I love to 90's hour". By then you were already humming and singing to the song. Only to figure out... back then when you were in high school/college that was what you know was a cool song to listen to, while the teens of that days, start squirming to get out of the room as you talk about the singers or listen to their song. by then probably the men would start having their belly hanging above their belts and smoking a cig saying "Damn... i remember that song." or the women probably start having wider hips and saying to their kids, "Haaa jgn tukar station tuh, mak nak dengar... giler cool". Ntah2, the term "giler" or "cool" is not even the word your kids are using and they'll start saying "tolong laa jgn guna perkataan tuh in front of my friends mom". as hard as it may grasp, probably the only thing you could change of this fact of reality is, your physical, if you work out, and take care of what you eat, you'd probably end up fit, but still having to know that the songs you listen to is not cool anymore. reality bites....

Writing....

Well some of my writings are kind of expressive, a lot hate, but i consider writing as a part of art, opinion, expression, and how the writer perceives the world as the way they see it. I have read hate writings, mushy writings, irritating writings, but its their expression, i may mock some of them, but what i think doesnt really matter, its what the writers think matters. they should not be influenced by comments or critics from other writers. it isnt consider wuss, a coward, but more to how they perceive about your writing. Its like Sun Tzu's Art of War, (i havent read it yet, just an example), a million people have their comments on it, some agree, some think its stupid, does Sun Tzu gives a Fuck? well aside from the fact that he's dead, he probably doesn't. because those a million people still read his book. another example, Mario Puzo wrote the Godfather that lead to the movie, some people loved it, some people doesnt. does he give a fuck if people hated it? no, because people who hated it still read his book, and plus... he made millions of money out of it. shit, wished i had a dollar for every visit here.... damn it...

Finals....

Anyway, finals is pretty close, (i felt like using "just around the corner" but it sounds cliche and probably high school kids who's taking PMR probably uses it), so good luck to all, and insya allah good luck to me.

Thanksgiving Break....

It was a great thanksgiving break. I must say, that was one of the best event MASA ever held for Hari Raya. Being apart of Kampung Teluk Teroy just makes me so proud. awwww. Very creative and interesting, especially with the iklan of all scholars, and the utusan raya to students from family kat mesia. I probably make a really bad host, but i still had a great time doing it.

Alexander The Great... or is he?

So, in celebrating Jebat's bday, we went to see the up and coming movie Alexander the Great. Being taught about Iskandar Zulkarnain, it kinda sparked me to learn about him more through the movies. but the first thought of seeing Collin Farrell acting as him has already put me off a little... until i saw the movie. I must say i love the first war scene of the movie, where it was a war in a desert. i've never seen an archaic movie where the war scene is in a desert. so to me it was pretty cool. but then the movie starts to get draggy, bored and here's why i think they casted collin farrell as the Great Alexander... if you want to watch the movie, and not know any spoilers of the movie, proceed to the next section.

Alexander the great was gay. he got married to rosario dawson, i dont know what her name was in the movie, but she has really huge pengetuk pintu. perrgh. that was the ONLY real action. and it wasnt even actual action. the rest was half naked gay looking men hugging, kissing, dancing around alexander. at one point i really couldnt take it, and i thought i was the only one. but as i looked back, a lot of young men like me turned to each other and said "What the fuck are you making me watch man??" The movie was actually like you're looking at a pentomime with a loooot of voice over of someone telling the story and you listening to it. I'd say it sucked. okay, but still... kinda sucked. to me... if you want to watch it, go ahead. it's probably worth your money, but you'd feel like stabbing your eyes with a fork... unless you're a stupidly disgusting fag.

So, kerana ke "tidak puas hati" an aku, i went back to check on the real facts of Iskandar Zulkarnain, the one who was mentioned in the Quran. Well actually i didnt check the facts immediately. the thing just haunted me a few days, then i called my mom and brought up the topic and mention that last year she watched jejak rasul and it is said that Iskandar Zulkarnain is NOT Alexander the Great. So after the long talk with my mom, then i went on google, and checked it out. there are actually disputes of deciding who was actually Iskandar Dhol Qarnayn. Some say he is actually Darius the Great, some say he is actually Cyrus the Great, some people still believe that Alexander the Great is him. Some ppl who read about him stated that (forgive me if im wrong, i probably got it the wrong way), Alexander the Great Travelled East then West back to India, while Iskandar travelled West then East. I dont know if he stopped by India though. Also, there was not much writing about Alexander the great trapping Yajuj Majuj. actually i didnt stumbled upon it myself. but i think it was either Cyrus, or Darius the Great, had a story about trapping the Yajuj Majuj, or in the bible also known as Gog Magog. I went through it couple of days, being restless after watching the movie, because it is completely opposite of what i've learned, only to come up with one conclusion for myself. Alexander is Alexander, Iskandar is a different guy. The history may not go into much about Iskandar, but knowing that it is in the Quran, and he was a pious person, was already sufficient enough. I wouldnt want to say who is actually Iskandar, for I dont know, only He knows, so from spreading wrong teachings, might as well i just stick to the Quran.

Please is anyone knows about this, dont hesitate to tell me, because i would love to learn more about Iskandar and the real facts of him.


Amazing Race, MASA style....

next day after the Raya celebration ( i refused to call it eid celebration unless a non malaysian who does not know BM comes in and saya eid mubarak to me) We had the Eksplorasi Masa. It was raining, and everyone was struggling carrying water in their mouths, by then i found that Taroi and Elle has really big mouths, and Abe has a small one, (i dont know which is better though), then they had to struggle running up the hill in the HEAVY rain, with lightning and thunder coming down every minute. and i thought driving was hard. but i wished i was running with them. i love heavy rain. makes you feel like you're in war. then there was acting, i think next time if this acting thing is applied, there should be more booths so people dont have to wait too long. by this time it is a sure win for the top three who completed it first, coz some people just take too long to practice. not saying that they are incompetent, but the rain, the chill, and the running just took the energy out of them, and the probably need time to rejuvenate. but at least we know now. then there was the makan nasi satu pot. how i wish i could see people struggled. hahaha. that was the only part i really really wanted to see. the last obstacle was shooting basketball in a hoop 5 times, or swinging a hockey ball into a net.

in the end, congratulations to the top three teams.

Thanksgiving Dinner....

tahun nih, i made dua ketul ayam turkey. well i didnt do it alone, and both of the kosher turkey was provided by the three pretty girls of 81 albright. i must say the two turkeys were nice golden, and a success. i only had on plate of it though. have no idea why. later that nite amin brought his karaoke up from philly. i cant really sing, but i had fun though.

in the end....

it was a great holiday, although waking up really early every morning during holiday is really depressing, but it was a late weekend though so that's pretty cool. now its back to school, had my great capoeira last nite (my escape), and all in all... just would want to wish have a great break to everyone.....