it's my sixth year....

fuck this place. it's my sixth year here. i really tried to like it. i never did.
i've impede my creativity, i've never felt any miserable ever in any stages of my life.
i'm sad most of the time when i leave from anywhere i am to come back here.
i've been praying that i'll be able to leave everyday, and when hope seems there, suddenly it's seems lost again.
why?

i hate being on night shifts. i wake up all pissed off. i feel like screaming my lungs out. i feel like i wanna punch someone immediately when i wake up. i hate pretending that it is ok most of the time. to be frank it's not!
i want to be with my wife, try and start a family of my own, but i'm stuck here. and truthfully it's not easy. this is not my place. why do people assume that everything they suggest is good for you?

"do technical, orang plant bagus"
"keja technical kaya, keja plant penat tapi bagus"
"keja kat plant skejap jek pastuh mintak la transfer. untuk blaja la"

well guess what, it's so difficult to learn when i feel everything is inconducive. i have no motivation nor a catalyst to study. when during my fucking off days that was said will be my time to come to the office and learn more, well, i had to come down to cover others. which in the end, im busy at the field most of the time. and when i try to sit down and study during my shifts, all ya'll say i sit on the desk too much. you have to be on the field. AAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGHH.

i dont want to be here. this is not my place. please help me leave this place and be some place that can help me grow, give me better motivation to do the best in my life. not here. not here. not here.

losing it.....